I turned 56 years of age on April 29. As I write this article, I find myself in a hospital. What I have felt in my body in the last couple of weeks can’t compare with anything else. I have felt like I am drowning, especially at night. I have felt exhausted but unable to sleep… it has been horrible. It takes a lot for me to surrender to an ER trip, but I could not take it anymore.
The doctor came into my room and gave me the diagnosis: congestive heart failure. So, what is going on? My heart is functioning at about 35%; the normal is 55% and higher. As my heart is not pumping blood like it is supposed to, liquid is entering my lungs, causing me to feel like I am drowning every minute. Another doctor told me we needed to find out why.
I know to answer a portion of that question: 1) my struggles with diabetes, 2) my struggles with high blood pressure, 3) stress, and 4) my struggles with severe sleep apnea and refusal to wear a CPAP. I have put up a good fight against diabetes, hypertension, and stress. However, my sleep apnea issues have been consistent.
See, you hope things magically go away, but they don’t; they pile on. As humans, we are all different; some eat the wrong thing, smoke, and consume excessive alcohol, and they go into their 70s with no significant issues. Others, like me, don’t smoke and don’t drink, but food becomes the thing that destroys us the most. We all have different genes!
I hope to get some answers in the next few days, but I must make more profound changes. I must get quality sleep, eat a better diet, and continue to exercise consistently. In the next couple of weeks, I must make serious decisions concerning my career, lifestyle, etc. In my quest for the Why, I must pursue how to fix this with God’s help.
I am fourteen years away from completing a full life and twenty-four years from becoming a part of the elite group of the strongest. I learned this from Moses when he tells us,
“The years of our life are seventy,
or even by reason of strength eighty…” Psalm 90:10 (ESV)
The rest of this verse tells us, “…yet their span is but toil and trouble;
they are soon gone, and we fly away..” Psalm 90:10 (ESV). Toil comes from the Hebrew word ʿāmāl: “A masculine singular noun meaning trouble, labor, toil. This word can be used for life’s general difficulties and hardships, which can be seen by its use in conjunction with sorrow (Jer. 20:18): affliction.”[1] The word trouble is the Hebrew word ʾāwen: “A masculine noun meaning nothingness, trouble, sorrow, evil, or mischief. The primary meaning is that of emptiness and vanity. It is used to signify empty or futile pursuits (Prov. 22:8; Isa. 41:29); nothingness, in the sense of utter destruction (Amos 5:5); an empty word, implying falsehood or deceit.”[2]
Life is filled with labor, hardship, sorrows, evil, empty pursuits, nothingness, etc. It is easy to conclude that this explains why there is so much depression, anxiety, and anger in this world. We bring a lot of this toil and trouble upon ourselves. Why do I make this statement? Because Jeremiah 29:11 tells us, “For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope.” (ESV)
God has an excellent plan for us. Then Jesus tells us in Matthew 11:28-30 “Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. 29 Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. 30 For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.” (ESV)
So, there is a perfect plan for our lives. It is not that the plan is necessarily easy, but the grace of God is present to help us complete the task. I am sure Jeremiah’s and Job’s plans, to use two examples, were not easy. Jeremiah was a prophet during a time when nobody was listening. Job suffered greatly in all aspects: physically, emotionally, and spiritually. However, they had all the tools God provided to complete what they were called to do. We are still benefiting from their obedience even today.
Where do all the labor, hardship, sorrows, evil, empty pursuits, nothingness, etc., come from? From us pursuing things outside God’s will, from not knowing ourselves and not knowing God’s call in our lives. We compromise, become people pleasers, worry more about men’s opinions than our divine mandate, and take on things we were never called to do. We overwork ourselves by ignoring God’s plan, affecting our future, and taking on complicated yokes and unnecessary burdens.
I am sure my doctors will not explain the insight of Jeremiah 29:11 and Matthew 11:28-30, but I know the why of my current affliction can be found in those portions of Scripture. I also know how to come out of it and be aligned with God’s will, which is also found in the same portion of Scripture. In this Holy Ghost correction, confrontation, and discipline, I see a safe place of deep learning, life lessons, and revelation. These are my lessons in the valley of misery; they require profound listening, action, obedience, and tough decisions moving forward.
[1] Warren Baker and Eugene E. Carpenter, The Complete Word Study Dictionary: Old Testament(Chattanooga, TN: AMG Publishers, 2003), 847.
[2] Warren Baker and Eugene E. Carpenter, The Complete Word Study Dictionary: Old Testament(Chattanooga, TN: AMG Publishers, 2003), 26.
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