My wife Rayette and I celebrate 12 years of marriage today. Rayette married young for the first time and ended in divorce. The second marriage ended under uncommon and challenging circumstances. I also married young for the first time, only 19 years old. That marriage ended after the death of my first wife. The second marriage ended in divorce, also under uncommon and difficult circumstances. I am not going to focus on those marriages today.
When Rayette and I married, we were both 43 years of age. We are the same age! When you are in your forties, you are set in your ways, and there is little room for change. That was our first challenge. Rayette had two preteenager daughters and one teenage daughter. I had two teenage boys, one of them with special needs and a teenage daughter. Those were six challenges, each one with its own needs.
In addition, now in our fifties, we face more normal challenges. The women are hit with menopause, and the man must face the reality that he is not the same either. In my case, my diabetes worsened a couple of years ago, and it was also affecting my intimacy with my wife.
First marriages are difficult as it is; usually, 50% of them end in divorce. The statistics are even more alarming in second and third marriages. According to statistics, 67% of second marriages and 73% of third marriages end in divorce.[1]
But how did we make it this far? What is the secret? I wish I had a magic formula, but I don’t. However, I can point out a few things that have helped us so far: 1) God and 2) our agape (Unconditional) love for each other. I must add a couple more factors: 3) Discovering my Temperament and my wife’s helped us understand each other’s needs. Lastly, 4) I discovered my Cognitive Distortions and how to fix them.
Today, my experience, education, and certifications fall short of my qualifications to help others… my most outstanding qualification is my failures and discovering what truly works. Our Temperaments may be different; our needs may be different; our cognitive distortions may be other, but all of us have something in common: we all have needs, we all must change the way we think about certain things, and we all must dig deep into what is truth, and walk in it.
My wife and I are celebrating twelve years of marriage against all odds. Believe me… if there is hope for us… there is hope for you!
[1] https://www.awfamilylaw.com/blog/2023/september/10-divorce-statistics-you-may-not-have-known/#:~:text=According%20to%20statistics%2C%2067%25%20of,of%20third%20marriages%20are%20dissolved.
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